When not to help...

Learning from life is a funny business. Sometimes I find myself doing things I hadn't expected to do.

Other times, I have to stop myself doing things I usually would.

For example, I was going home on the bus a couple of years ago. The bus stopped. A young mother struggled on with three screaming children and hefty shopping bags. Highly stressed.

I wanted to go and help her stow her bags, park the pushchair and generally calm her down.

I didn't. A moment's reflection made me sit tight.

Why? Am I a mean-spirited person too wrapped up in my own issues to help another soul, or was I too scared of being rebuffed?

No to both. I could have rushed in to help her without the slightest hesitation.

I realised that it wasn't for me to decide whether or not she needed this difficulty. She was creating a lot of noise and commotion, but what was wrong with that? It felt like going against the grain, but could I just allow her to be in the drama she was in?

If I'd helped her it would have been like saying:-

1 There's something wrong with you struggling

2 I would be helping you by reducing your difficulty

I knew these things weren't true.

In my heart I believe we are here to learn from our problems rather than get rid of them. I couldn't say what or how she had to learn from her struggle. In fact, I know from my own experience that it's often when things get really out of hand that the penny drops, or we finally get a breakthrough.

What if this was building into an opportunity for her life to change for the better? I did not want to sabotage that!

It's so easy to fall into wanting to make life easier for other people by trying to reduce or take away their problems. To act blindly on this means making a lot of assumptions:-

1 I know this person shouldn't be having that difficulty

2 I know I can improve their situation by removing the difficulty

3 I know it really is a difficulty and not one created by my or that person's mind

4 In an ideal world I know difficulties should be reduced or removed

We may have to decide on a situation by situation basis whether or not to get stuck into helping people.

But there's also a greater goal - to put energy and thought into how to help others face and deal with their problems rather than removing them.

Something to try...

Next time you see someone in trouble, unless the situation is life-threatening, stop and ask yourself one question...

How can I help this person to accept their difficulty rather than playing along with the idea they need to get rid of it?

See what comes to you.

This is not an excuse not to help people. It's simply about being aware of the bigger picture.

It takes practise to befriend our problems, to come to know in an unshakeable way that they are there to teach us something important.

It takes even more practise to to allow other people to have their difficulties, and work out ways of helping them that honour the value of problems.